Only in His Dreams
by Maegmel
Summary: On his return from Paraguay, Harm finds himself depressed. He’s been rejected by Mac, and he’s lost his job. Is there anything left? Does Mac even care for him? WARNING: Character deaths.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or it's characters, I just "borrow" them. Hopefully they won't be too bashed up when I return them...  
  
Chapter 1  
  
(Harm's POV)  
  
I returned form Paraguay just yesterday. The Admiral fired me today. Mac's forsaken me for Webb. What's left???? I visited my father at the Vietnam war memorial. Told him I was sorry for being such a disappointment and a failure. I walk over to my desk, get out a sheet of paper and begin:  
  
May 23, 2003  
  
Dear Mom and Frank,  
  
I don't really know what to write in this type of letter. So, I'll start by saying, please don't show this to anyone. Especially Mac.  
  
You were right mom. I was working too hard, not taking enough breaks. So I took a vacation, to the wrong place.. Paraguay, Mac went TAD undercover down there with Webb. They disappeared, and I went to search for her. In the process, I had to resign my commission.  
  
I gave up everything for her. Then she told me on no uncertain terms, we just couldn't go any further in our relationship. That hurt, a lot. Now, she's going out with Webb. Who's sorry ass got her and me in this mess. (sorry about the language.) Then I come back to JAG and find out I'm fired. Fired. They won't take me back. I'm asking you mom, what did I have left?  
  
I'm asking you Mom, Frank not to blame Mac for this, or the Admiral. It's no their fault it's mine. I've made such a screwy mess of my life. If I told Mac long ago how much I loved her, she'd never have gone, and I wouldn't have gotten fired. She gave me plenty of chances. I was too cowardly to take them. Yeah, your only son is a coward. I'm sorry Mom, I'm so sorry. I wish you'd never been my mother, you're too good for me. I don't deserve Frank or my real father either. I'm a disgrace. Again, I'm sorry, if only you knew how much..  
  
Love always, Harm  
  
There, one down, five to go...  
  
Chapter 2  
  
(Mac's POV)  
  
Who is that woman staring back at me in the mirror? Do I know her? My life is such a mess right now, I've just returned from Paraguay. Barely. It' only because my crazy, impetuous, ex-partner came down there to save me. Yeah, Harm gave up his career to save my life. He gave up everything for me..  
  
Why? He never did bother to tell me.  
  
Oh well, I've got Webb now. I need to think of him, and get him through this hard time. He was pretty beat up you know. All for me too. He wanted me to stay at the hospital with him, but I declined. I still don't know why. I think I just need some decent rest, something I haven't gotten a lot of these days. I'm going to go to bed...... 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
(Harm's POV)  
  
Alright, next one. I draw out a clean sheet after sealing the last letter in an envelope addressed to my mother and Frank. This one's going to be hard....  
  
May 23. 2003  
  
Dear Grams,  
  
I know you're disappointed in me. A lot of people are these days, if they don't hate me.  
  
Please don't hate me Grams, I don't think I could bear that. I have no right to ask that of you though. I'm starting to cry now, and I know what you're thinking, my grandson crying??!! Yeah, I do cry, ask Mac. Jus not too often.  
  
In short grams, my life was a mess. I've lost the most important things in my life. I just couldn't go on. If you want the whole story ask Mac or the Admiral. Please don't blame them, it's my fault it always was. I just want you to know I'm sorry and I hope Sergei can be a better grandson to you.  
  
Love, Harmon  
  
Okay, that's done. Now the next one..  
  
May 23. 2003  
  
Dear Sergei,  
  
I'm sorry I won't live to see you get married or be an uncle. I'm not really the best role model anyway, but I think you knew my faults better than anyone, even me. Even Mac. I hope you have a wonderful career whether you choose the Russian military, or the U.S. Navy. I do wish you'd join our navy though.  
  
Anyway, you know, I'm not very good at these letters. I'm just sorry I can't seem to form into words everything I want to tell you. I'm sorry Sergei, I wish I could say more.  
  
Love, Harm  
  
(Mac's POV)  
  
I can't sleep, not that that's new. I'm an insomniac.  
  
Was I wrong with Harm? I usually am. What else could I do???!!! There's only so much a woman can take, even if she's a marine, and I've reached my limit. Why didn't he answer my question? Why?! Why?! Why?!  
  
Oh hell. Where are my sleeping pills? 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
(Harm's POV)  
  
I hate doing this, but It's got to be done. How am I going to write this letter?  
  
May 23, 2003  
  
Dear Admiral, Sir,  
  
I know I don't have the right to call you that anymore. I also know you're not in the mood to humor me, but please do, it'll be the last time.  
  
I'd like to apologize for all the trouble I've given you over the years, I've probably been your least favorite subordinate. I don't think you fully understood why I did what I did. I'm not saying it would change your judgment either, I just want to tell you because I owe you the full truth.  
  
I went down to Paraguay to find Mac, yes. Not because she's my friend, because I love her. I can't even remember now when I didn't. I would do that for anyone, Sir, Mac, you, Bud, Harriet, my brother, anyone I admire and love.  
  
You, Sir, have been my father, the figure I've always looked up to. Aside from my father, you're the only man I truly admire and want to be like. You mean a lot to me sir. I can only hope my feeble words can portray half my meaning.  
  
I'll only ask three things of you. First, please don't blame yourself for this. It's a combination of factors. Second, please watch out for Mac, because I can't do that anymore. Third, although I doubt they'll allow this. I would like to be buried in Arlington.  
  
Again sir, I'm sorry for being such a disappointment to you and all of JAG. Even though I'm a lawyer, I can't seem to twist these words to get them to say what I want to. I'm sorry sir. If only you knew how sorry.  
  
Sincerely, Commander Harmon David Rabb Jr.  
  
Well, that's off my shoulders now...  
  
(Mac's POV)  
  
You know, these damn things aren't working they never do. Mostly they make me more awake than ever.  
  
Harm asked for a kiss before he left today, I wonder why? I was so surprised I denied him.. He looked so disappointed when he left. He said "Goodbye Sarah". He's never said that before either. Why is he acting so weird? I think something's up. Question is, What????  
  
Damn. Now the stupid phone's ringing, I should just disconnect that thing when I go to bed, or I'll never get any sleep.  
  
I scramble out of bed to pick up the phone.  
  
"Colonel MacKenzie." I say exasperated.  
  
"This is Doctor Barton at St. Mary's Hospital, you know Mr. Webb right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Mr. Webb just had a heart attack, it's the aftereffects of some of the torture he went through, we're trying to stabilize him, but it doesn't look good. He may die within ten minutes."  
  
"I'll be right over," I hang up and start dashing around getting dressed. Within ten minutes I'm running out into the pouring rain... 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
(Harm's POV)  
  
Two letters to go now, you're more than halfway done...  
  
May 23, 2003  
  
Dear Bud and Harriet,  
  
I'm sorry for disappointing you two. I'm sorry I'll never see little AJ grow up, or your new child be born. I'm sorry for everything.  
  
I think you both know why I did this. In case you don't I'll tell you. I've loved Mac, I always have, (yes Harriet you were right). She finally rejected me in Paraguay, and since I've resigned my commission, there's very little left. What's more I couldn't bear to see Mac get married to Webb or anyone else. It's selfish, I know. But I just couldn't take it anymore.  
  
I'm sure you two will make fine Naval officers, better than me. Little AJ and your new child will too. I'm not a very good role model, I never was. I just ask you not to tell your children until they're old enough what happened to me. I also ask you take care of Mac, I don't know what she'll do.  
  
Once again, I'm sorry. I wish you all the best of luck.  
  
Sincerely, Harm  
  
One last letter to go. I look at the clock, it says 2034. Not much time left..  
  
(Mac's POV)  
  
It's so wet and cold outside. The rain is coming down in sheets, D.C's notorious for this. I'll be lucky if I get there at all, let alone on time.... 


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note/WARNING: Don't read any further unless you are prepared for character death. Believe it or not, I am a Harm/Mac shipper. This is just  
my weird take on things. I totally detest what DPB did with the last episode, and I'm not watching JAG until Harm returns to the Navy. If DPB says Harm & Mac will never get together this is my opinion of the only way they can save the show, tragic though it may be. Enough babbling, read at  
you own risk....  
  
Chapter 5  
  
(Harm's POV)  
  
This is the hardest and most painful thing I'll ever do..  
  
May 23, 2003  
  
Dear Sarah,  
  
I'm sorry for everything. All that I've done to hurt you. I know, my list is longer than ever. At least I won't be able to hurt you anymore.. I don't know what to write.  
  
Let's answer your question then. What people love you Mac? Plenty of people. Me included. Why did I resign to find you? I love you. You're the most important thing in my life. That's why I can't live without you. There's just so much I want to say, but I can't say it.  
  
This is a two-sided relationship though, you've hurt me too. A lot. You hurt me so many times I can't even count them. The most recent being Paraguay. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to tell you in person. I just can't take it Mac, it's too much for anyone to bear. I've lost so much, there just wasn't anything left to gain. Webb has you now. I can't begin to describe how much I love you, so why am I doing this? I don't know. I f anything it'll make you hate me or feel guilty. That's not the goal of this letter though. It was my fault Mac for not telling you I love you on the many chances you've given me.  
  
All I ask is that, can I even bring myself to write this? I must though, so I shall. I'm asking you not come to my funeral, or burial. I don't want you there if you are with Webb or anyone else. It would break me more than anything else. Believe me, I'll know too if you're with someone. It's asking a lot I know. It's very unfair too. But it hurts too much. If you have any respect for me you will never visit me either, unless you are single.  
  
Perhaps you would like to know, this is the last thing I'll touch before I commit suicide, besides my gun, or maybe you won't. I'm sorry Sarah, I really am. I guess we were just star-crossed lovers, or at least on my part. It seems I can only have you in my dreams..I'll love you forever and eternity Mac. ETERNITY.  
  
Love for always, Harm  
  
That's it, now seal it. Get the gun and finish it...  
  
(Mac's POV)  
  
How the hell did I end up at Harm's apartment???? Something's wrong, I can feel it. I'm coming Harm, I'm coming....  
  
I'm dashing up the stairs as quickly as I can. I reach Harm's door and bang rapidly and loudly on it. "Harm! Harm! Open up!!! It's me, Mac."  
  
He's not answering. Suddenly, I hear a sickening sound.....a gun being fired..."No Harm! No!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream, fumbling with my keys I find the extra to his place and shove it in the lock. The door swings open...  
  
The sight that meets my eyes is horrifying. Harm is lying on the floor, in his own blood. A pistol nearby, and what looks like some letters. He's dead. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. The words echo in my head.  
  
Reality sweeps in as I rush to cradle his lifeless body,  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" I scream. 


	6. Epilogue Mac's POV

Epilogue:  
  
It's very late, the police have come and gone. They're leaving the crime scene until morning when they can investigate better. I have been so stunned, I cannot even cry. The Admiral was called, as well as Bud. Harriet stayed home, Bud made her. They were both weeping. Even the Admiral. He's blaming himself, I know. They both took their letters, and the Admiral promises to distribute the rest. I must say, Harm thought of everyone. Even me. Now, I must read what Harm wrote to me...  
  
I'm finished. There is no way I could've guessed that he loved me. I suppose, if I'd paid more attention, I might've. My life is dismal now. Too dismal. Harm was the sunshine in my life. He was the air I breathed. I don't know how I thought I'd survive without him. I scribble down a few quick notes. I explain how much I love Harm, how I regret this is how I must do things. I tell my uncle I'll always love him. I ask to be buried next to Harm, wherever he's buried. Then I kiss Harm's cold form one last time. The gun that killed him, will be the end of me too. I pick it up, and pull the trigger..................... 


End file.
